Audition Material For Panto

19 October, 2013

Monologues for Snow White Audition

Please pick one from the selection below. It does not matter if you choose a male or female part. Try to learn by heart if possible. It will not affect your chances either way.    

Fiona, I know everything about you, I know you sing so beautifully that birds explode. I know that when you sign your name, you put a heart over the i. I know that when you see a shooting star you cross your fingers on both hands, squinch up your nose, and you make a wish, I know that you don’t like the covers wrapped around your feet, and I know that you sleep by candlelight because every time you close your eyes, you’re afraid you’re going to wake up back in that tower, But most importantly Fiona, I know that the reason that you turn human every day is because you’ve never been kissed, well, by me.

If only I could make him understand. I just don’t see things the way he does. I just don’t see how a world that makes such wonderful things could be bad. Look at this stuff, isn’t it neat? Wouldn’t ya think my collection’s complete Wouldn’t you think I’m the girl Girl who has everything Look at this trove, treasures untold How many wonders can one cavern hold? Looking around you’d think. Sure, she’s got everything. I’ve got gadgets and gizmos aplenty. I have whoozits and whatzis galore. You want thingamabobs? I’ve got twenty. But who cares? No big deal. I want more.

The Incredibles, Buddy “Syndrome” Pine
See? Now you respect me, because I’m a threat. That’s the way it works. Turns out, there are a lot of people, whole countries, who want respect, and they will pay through the nose to get it. How do you think I got rich? I invented weapons, and now I have a weapon that only I can defeat, and when I unleash it, I’ll get… You sly dog! You got me monologuing! I can’t believe it. It’s cool, huh? Zero-point energy. I save the best inventions for myself. Am I good enough now? Who’s super now? I’m Syndrome, your nemesis and…Oh, brilliant.

The Muppet Movie - Kermit The Frog
I didn’t promise anybody anything. What do I know about Hollywood anyway? Just the dreams I got from sitting through too many double-features. So why did you leave the swamp in the first place? ‘Cause some agent fella said I had talent. Hmm. He probably says that to everybody. On the other hand, if you hadn’t left the swamp, you’d be feeling pretty miserable anyhow. Yeah, but then it would just be me feelin’ miserable. Now I got a lady pig, and a bear and a chicken, a dog, a thing — whatever Gonzo is. He’s a little like a turkey. Yeah, a little like a turkey. But not much. No, I guess not. Anyhow, I brought ‘em all out here into the middle of nowhere. It’s all my fault. Still… whether you promised them something or not, you gotta remember they wanted to come. But that’s because they believed in me. No, they believed in the dream. Well, so do I, but– You do? Yeah! Of course I do. Well then? Well, then…I guess I was wrong when I said I never promised anyone. I promised me.

My First Audition
I’m going to my first audition today. Oh, boy – oh, boy – oh boy! I hope I get the part! I’m sure I can do a great job. I can’t see why they won’t chose me. I’m perfect, in an average-joe sort of way. I can blend in or be made up to stand out. My hair is longish-shortish and my eyes are not exactly hazel but kind of chameleon-ish. I can change just like a chameleon. Slick my hair back or fluff it out. Curl it or keep it straight. Spike it up or look normal – like everyone else. I can dye it, cut it, add extensions or buzz it off. It’s just hair, after all. I can wear wedges or boots or heels. I can slouch or stand tall and straight. I can follow a script to the letter or improvise – whatever you want. Just pick me, please.


Cinderella’s Stepsister
It isn’t easy being the ugly stepsister. Everybody always feels so sorry for poor little Cinderella, but what about me? I deserve a little sympathy, too. Does my fairy godmother ever turn up with a magic wand? Does the prince ever dance with me at the ball? Not on your life. The best I can ever hope for with my pumpkins is a decent piece of pie. A lot of people think I’m jealous of her. Maybe I am. And with good reason. I subsisted on seven hundred calories a day for three whole weeks before the ball. I did my leg-lift exercises faithfully. I got a perm and a facial and a manicure. I even bought a new gown. Blue velvet. Designer label. I mean, I was ready. Princey, I thought to myself, here I come! And what happened? Little Cindy, who has never seen the inside of a health club in her life and who doesn’t know the caloric difference between a carrot stick and a chocolate éclair, whips together a dress out of some old curtains from K-Mart, waltzes off to the ball and snags the prince. It isn’t fair! It really isn’t fair!